As regards my prostate, (with which I was having problems), I got the result of the PSA test today – it was normal – so I’m quite pleased about that, even though I know the PSA prostate test can be unreliable.  I am still going to see a urologist (my G.P. referred me) re. the prostate, just to make sure I have nothing to worry about, as I do seem to suffer from many of the symptoms of BHP (Benign Prostate Hyperplasia). 

Regarding taking 1mg of Finasteride to promote my scalp hair growth, this is more from vanity than necessity.  I am lucky in that I probably don’t have much to worry about.  I will upload next a very recent photo of myself and Rose-Marie (my wife) taken l at Martine Rose’s ‘Harmony Weekend’ at Matlock Bath  – which should be appearing as my avatar and photo on TrannyWeb once it has been approved by the moderator.  I already have shoulder length blonde hair and therefore don’t have much to complain about, but I am conscious of a very marginal thinning right at the front of the crown, which I’m hoping that the Finasteride might improve after about a year – but if it doesn’t do anything, it doesn’t really matter that much. 

I am still working out which is the best ‘ femme’ hair style for myself, bearing in mind my age and personal preferences.  The current very straight styles maybe don’t work for me, as my hair is naturally curly, and although I can get it to go straight (at least the hairdresser can), I think a few soft curls or ‘bangs’ as they say in the States, works better in softening and framing my face (god, I am going on…sorry!)

Regarding why I am trying to feminising my body, please excuse the length of my reply, but I need to ramble on at some length also about this, and it might be helpful to others in a similar situation.  

Yes, I guess I am transitioning, or to put it another way – as my wife says – I am a ‘work in progress(!)’ …but from what and to what is perhaps at this stage still open to question. My current designation on TrannyWeb as a ‘TV/Crossdresser’ doesn’t really describe where I am at nowadays. I would prefer ‘transgendered’.

I prefer to think of gender as a very broad continuum.  Some people start at one point (eg. hetero TV) and stay on that point all their lives; others may start at one point and ‘get off’ at another point – which is probably what is happening to me, and I am sure I am not the first.

I have thought about this a lot over many years.  In the late 1980’s I did a Masters degree dissertation on ‘Gender Identity Development’ – and very much believed in ‘nurture’ rather than ‘nature’ explanations of gender identity, which partly came out of 60’s Feminism, Simone De Beauvoir’s ‘The Second Sex’, and the idea that women and men are ‘made’ (by upbringing, society, etc.) rather than being born.

I am gradually trying to explain here my own development re. theories of transgenderism and gender identity in the context of developing psychological, psycho-sexual and societal theories of gender identity development and the views, explanations and distinctions that were advanced by transgender social groups such as the Beaumont Society and Northern Concord (a Manchester-based TG group), over the last 30 years or so.  Quite a job I have set myself!

I am not sure I am any longer convinced about the ‘hard and fast’ designations or self-identifications of TG girls as either‘ TV/crossdresser’ or ‘transsexual’. And in saying this I know I am posing a threat to some people’s confort zones, and will probably bring down the wrath of both the  ‘professional’, ‘wear it on my sleeve’  transsexuals – and ‘hetero TV’s’, who believe themselves to be ‘just a bloke in a frock…but I’m not in the least bit effeminate..’, who make a big thing about distinguishing themselves from transsexuals, so as not to frighten the horses, wives and partners, etc.

If we have to use the ‘TV/crossdresser’ versus ‘transsexual’ distinction – and see these as mutually exclusive rather than different points on the same ‘spectrum’ – I guess some people would say it sounds as if I am moving more towards the latter designation, in that I am taking female hormones and feminising my body, etc.  But I still prefer to use the expression ‘transgendered’ in describing where I am myself, as this seems to me to be an embracing and inclusive term, whereas ‘TV/crossdresser’ and ‘transsexual’ are arguably limiting and more ‘exclusive’ – though I don’t have a problem at all with folk who prefer to self-identify by using either one or the other term, and for many these are probably the best designations.

I prefer ‘transgendered’, in that it can be taken to include everyone who dresses as the so-called ‘opposite’ sex (a term in itself with which I disagree) –  my understanding of the term ‘transgendered’ (which may be wrong), is that it can include transvestites/crossdressers;  transsexuals;  she-males;  drag queens;  drag kings – regardless of sexual orientation, so you can be ‘straight’ ( hetero), bi, lesbian, gay, or whatever, but we are ALL transgendered if we sometimes or all the time like to dress in the clothing normally associated with the other biological (genetic) sex…and if some of us do something about changing our bodies as well. Phew!  Glad I got that off my chest!

 I thought and believed originally, back in the 1970’s – when I first ‘came out’ – that I was a ‘heterosexual TV’.  When I joined the Beaumont Society in the 1970’s, I had to say what I thought I was, and this was the nearest designation that described me at that time.  

The closest I could come now to an accurate designation of myself is that I am a ‘she-male’ and ‘lesbian’.  If I transitioned the whole way, I think I would be lesbian.

My wife and I have been discussing all this recently.  She knew about my cross-dressing before we got married, as I made a point of telling her.  She was under the impression (and so was I) that she was marrying a hetero tranny, which she was quite happy about.

We are still happily married (after 31 years), and Rosie loves my female side and in fact used to get cross with me if I didn’t get a skirt on often enough. That hasn’t been a problem lately, as these days I seem to be Katie more often than I am my male self (poor dolt that he is).  

And yes, I am taking female hormones, and my wife rejoices in my growing breasts and very much enjoys touching and fondling them!  Aren’t I lucky?!  But she also enjoys making love to a male as regards the ‘down-below’ department, and would miss this if I have SRS (sex-reassignment surgery – ie. getting an ‘innie’ rather than an ‘outie’).  We both recognise that this is no longer a total no-no and impossibility in the future;  it is acknowledged and open for discussion between us, including the consequences for our sex life. (We both laugh about ending up as two old ladies.)

I guess if that happens we might rub along together as a lesbian couple.  Likewise if my feminising hormone regime, or for that matter, any treatment for prostate problems meant that I could no longer get an erection, we would deal with that in a similar way.  Or Rosie joshes me that she might just go off and find a toy boy – and I guess she might, who knows!  (I hope not – but I would hardly be in a position to object.)

I am certainly still at present heterosexual, in a male sense, so being lesbian as a female might be on the cards if I transition the whole way – but again I say, who knows?  Perhaps I’ll go and find a toy boy as well.  There was certainly a very nice young man – looked a bit like a public school type, with a floppy quiff, waiting on us two ladies for afternoon tea in the restaurant at Chatsworth House yesterday (nice young man, nice young man…) Maybe sexual orientation, as well as gender identity is also a ‘moveable feast’, or perhaps we are all basically bisexual (…discuss).  Am I hetero as a male, am I hetero as a female, am I lesbian, am I bi – who knows?  Who the fuck cares?  Ain’t life interesting?!  We should embrace all the possibilities, as regards finding out what we are gender-wise, sexual orientation-wise, life, the universe and everything-wise… Is there a god?  I don’t think so, but I can’t prove it, and neither can you prove there is a god, if you are god-botherer…  But I digress…

I think I’ll stop for today at that point…!

 

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