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I have updated my views on feminising drug regimens since I wrote this in 1998 – see my latest blog on this:

https://ambergoth.wordpress.com/2011/04/23/feminizing-drug-regimens-pre-srs-transsexual-medications/

It will be clear when you have read the above that I have recently stepped up my feminizing drug regimen to a full transsexual pre-op. dosage.  I guess I am moving closer to the transsexual end of the spectrum.  I am spending more and more of my life living as a woman, and so I guess it’s starting to look as if it’s only a matter of time before I transition completely.

I would love to have facial feminisation surgery, but I am frightened to do so – in case it goes wrong and I end up looking like one of those ‘after plastic surgery’ horror stories.

My wife says she likes my face as it is, and as I can pass as a woman even in busy shopping streets now, go shopping en femme whenever I like, etc., I guess I should be satisfied with where I am now.

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These were my previous comments from 1998 on Spironolactone, estradiol, feminising hormones, female versus male orgasm, etc.:

I think taking Spiro (at the 100 – 200 mg per day level) did stop me having erections; it was several years ago when I took them, and it was only for a period of about six months.  It might also have been something else that affected me that way.

My wife enjoys having sex with me when I am performing as a male; it wasn’t much fun for her when I couldn’t do the business, but everything seems okay in that respect now, in spite of the (relatively low) 2 mg daily dosage of estradiol I am taking.  As far as that goes, it doesn’t seem to be true in my case that taking female hormones stops me getting an erection, although as Lucy (a friend on TrannyWeb) says, it might do eventually (in which case, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it).

On the other hand might not this be a sort of myth – an urban legend among the transgender community?  Whether one can or cannot still perform sexually as a male, whether one would want to anyway, and how long one can still do it for if taking female hormones all seem to be issues which cause some of us more concern than others.

 I have heard some people reporting that taking female hormones does not interfere (much) with sexual potency as a male – and what about the she-male phenomenon?  Others say it definitely kills Lord John stone dead, and good job too.  It seems that yet others are able develop female breasts but still be able to function as a male sexually more or less indefinitely – is there a discussion string on TrannyWeb or any other TG forums on this (if so, I haven’t found it yet).

Obviously if I take female hormones, at whatever dosage, for long enough, I am going to get to the point of no return as regards having boobs, even if I stop the hormones.  I think I am probably approaching that point fairly soon.  But this doesn’t worry me – I guess I am that far gone already in my transgender journey – neither does it worry my wife, who is delighted with my female breasts.

I am happy as I am –  and in doing what I am doing as regards the hormones, and don’t see why I have to say either ‘yes, I am transitioning towards SRS’ or ‘no, I am not.’  Let’s wait and see. The only important thing is to make sure that what I am doing regarding taking feminising hormones is done in the safest way possible;and my G.P. knows about it now and I absolutely take on board what Lucy said above taking the lowest dose possible of Progynova or Estrofem, whilst still getting the feminising effect that I desire (and I realise that I desire it very strongly – so maybe I am transsexual). I am getting the breast growth and feminising effect that I want on 2 mg per day, and I do not need to take Spiro, so I’m not.  I am following Lucy’s advice on this.

 I don’t think my wife would mind me saying that she has discovered that she has lesbian tendencies and she also has quite a strong masculine side which she likes to express in various ways (eventually she will probbly read this posting and she will probably hit me..!)

A couple of further things I will say – I very recently (at the Harmony Weekend) met a ‘professional’ transsexual who seemed personally affronted that I was taking female hormones but did not necessarily self-identify as a transsexual myself and was not seeing a National Health shrink or counsellor, like she is.

I am also a little puzzled that some TS’s say that taking Spiro to make them impotent as a male is actually a desirable outcome for them.  I have come across this view before.  For me it would be neither desirable nor undesirable, but an inevitable biological outcome of switching my endocrine balance.

If I had SRS and could be guaranteed that I would be able to function fully in a sexual sense as a female, including experiencing multiple full female orgasms (I wish!) – I might be more inclined to say I’d go for the full transition (that may still happen at some point in the future, okay, I can’t rule it out.)

It seems to me that women experience a far more rewarding and complete orgasm than men – the lucky things –  wow, would I like to experience what they experience, and have the full body sensations and internal glow going on for that long!

We poor creatures that were born with the old gentleman between the legs can have a long build-up, but for me at least, the actual moment of male orgasm only lasts a few seconds (unless I keep holding back on the point of orgasm, which is excruciating, and I’m  not sure it’s exactly a pleasure); and then it’s all over and within a few seconds you are thinking about something else entirely (like eating, smoking (although I don’t smoke now), watching TV or listening to the World Service of the BBC on the radio, while you female partner is all aglow for a long, long time…and usually she falls asleep eventually…still in a state of bliss…

 I may as well hang on to the old wedding tackle until it becomes useless or we decide (both my wife and I, as I would never do it without her permission and support), that I’m going for the full SRS, as at least I still get some pleasure from the sexual act as a male, and no one can guarantee me that if I get an ‘innie’ rather than an ‘outie’.  (I know the theory of the SRS op. about using the sensitive skin at the tip of the penis and from the stem to create the clitoris and sensitive areas of the labia, and I know some post-operative TS’s claim to be able to experience female orgasms while others are still waiting for their clits to ‘wake up’ years after the op. – so it still seems a bit of a lottery.)

I am also quite clear that SRS would be the last step in my transition – there are far more important factors in how well we TG girls can ‘pass’ as a woman when we are out and about than what’s between your legs, such as hair styling, female voice and feminine facial characteristics. Some TS’s will no doubt say I’m missing the point, because it’s all about what you’ve got between your legs – well, that’s a view, certainly.

But one of the tragedies of early gender reassignment surgery on the NHS (and privately) is the number of post-operative TS’s who have to live with having very maculine faces and voices, can’t pass as women in normal life and society, feel like freaks, and are therefore very unhappy and regret their surgery.  Some of them may well now be getting FFS and female voice coaching under the NHS – I think this is becoming more common.  But I do believe it is possible (and many she-males prove it) to function perfectly well in the female gender role socially while still having the male parts between the legs.  And some may well prefer to function sexually in this way, whether with women or with men as partners. Surely that is a personal choice?

I am doing what I can about what I consider are the three most important gender identity cues, which people on the street use to decide what you are – woman or man – and those are H., F. and V. – Hair, Face and Voice.

I am having laser hair removal sessions to get rid of my facial hair, taking finasteride to promote scalp hair growth (although I am fortunate in having quite a good head of hair already, and no obvious signs of male-pattern balding); and trying my best to develop a female voice.  I think this takes about two years.

If I had the money to pay for any feminisation surgery, I would go first for FFS (facial feminisation surgery), which was the subject of my first posting and the starting point of this whole blog) – long before I went for SRS, as this would have a much more immediate beneficial effect on the ease with which I can pass.

 This is one of the great insights (almost an epiphany moment) I have gained recently from looking at all the transgender channels on YouTube (see my own YouTube channel for links to some of the best vids about developing a female voice and the best surgeons for facial feminisation surgery: http://uk.youtube.com/user/ambergoth)

Facial feminisation surgery did not really exist 10 or 15 years ago, any more than it was possible to self-medicate and buy hormones from the Internet.  These recent developments have given TG girls many more options than previously to be in control of their transitioning and to prioritise what is most important to them, rather than relying on NHS endocrinologists, psychiatrists, counsellors and NHS gender identity dysphoria clinics to make all the decisions for them.

Yes, I’ve read all the warnings about self-medication and last weekend had to suffer the patronising remarks and controlling behaviour of a pre-operative TS who was following the NHS route.  She appeared to have had little positive benefit in terms of feminisation from the drug regime she was on, and she unfortunately had very masculine facial features and made the most elementary mistakes in her attempts to ‘pass’, such as walking like a man, talking like a man, and wearing a disastrous hair piece which displayed her male hairline at the back and side of her head.  (And I know I sound like a bitch, but you didn’t have to respond to all her assumptions about ‘what you have to do to be a good transsexual’ and answer the personal and intrusive questions she was firing off at my wife and I. This is why I made the remark about ‘professional’  transsexuals on my last blog upload, see below ).

Anyway, that’s it for now.

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